About this title: Tannen draws on her extensive and groundbreaking research to show that women and men live in different worlds, made of different words. Men use language to protect their independence and negotiate status, while women use language to seek confirmation and reinforce intimacy. This results in misunderstanding and communication breakdown--but Dr. ...
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"I wish this book had been around when I first got married. It would have saved a lot of bother! I give it as a wedding present. I don't know whether the recipients read it or not, but if they don't they are missing a big short cut to a happy marriage."
"Some useful discussion here, but it completely oversimplifies gender communication styles. Leaves out almost entirely the fundamental issue of the INTENT of a communication, which I believe, more than styles, is the main difference between different folks."
"The title of the book is somewhat misleading. True, a good portion of the book deals with the language differences between men and women, but most of the book focuses on how men and women view situations and deal with friends/co-workers.
"I'm a big believer in fate and the universe. So when this book was literally dropped into my lap, I took it as a sign. I figured that by reading this book, maybe I could figure out what I was doing wrong, why I was constantly being misinterpreted. And how to make things work.
I liked this book a lot; it made sense. I like things that make sense. Deborah Tannen is a sociolinguist and in this book, she studies the conversational styles between men and women. She explains that communication between men and women are cross cultural exchanges. We have learned how to talk differently, the same phrases don't mean the same things, and what we intend are often mysteries. I guess instead of learned, I should say conditioned. She looks at how men and women perceive the world and their relationships. And it makes sense. I am a woman, and that is indeed how I perceive the world and my relationships.
She explains that women approach the world as an individual trying to make connections. We are trying to protect ourselves from others' attempts to push us away, we want to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation. Men, on the other hand, see the world as a hierarchy. Basically, they view everything as a battle, they want to preserve independence and avoid failure.
The idea that we are talking at cross-purposes makes sense to me too. She points out that men are annoyed when women talk about their problems, but don't take their advice. It's because we are not asking for advice, we are asking for sympathy, for the men to share a similar problem so we know that we are not alone. Men see things literally, she has a problem, i have a solution.
The friendship chapter was especially important to me. A woman-woman friendship is waaay diffrent than a man-man one. Women have always shared their feelings, thoughts, and opinions with one offering a similar experience. To women, friendship means sharing secrets, trusting each other enought to reveal personal feelings, establishing intimacy. We expect reciprosity, I tell you a secret, you tell me a secret. Intimacy is what separates friends from acquaintances. Men, on the other hand, have relationships of action. They talk less to their friends because the share experiences by doing things or talking about sports or whatever. For women, talk is the glue that holds friendships together. Silence on the man's part is seen as distance, isolation. Women are afraid of that and they try harder to accomodate themselves so that they do not lose intimacy. Which, in turn, frustrates the male because he feels like she is trying to limit his independence. He doesn't see the need to talk about feelings, and when she talks about problems, he doesn't realize she's asking him to share, so he gives advice, which she sees as not trusting her to fix the problem on her own.
Which basically sums up every conversation that I have ever had with the opposite sex in my entire life. Okay. I'm exaggerating. But only a little.
She backs up all these observations with examples and when I hear the way I talk and the way other people talk, I see that she is totally right. At least on the woman's side. Or I guess, at least on my side.
There were two things wrong with this book: some of the conversational examples were extremely stiff and didn't read like a normal conversation and she doesn't really offer a way to fix things. Well, I suppose the second is not really her fault, it's just me looking for answers. She says, "When sincere attempts to communicate end in stalemate, and a beloved partner seems irrational and obstinate, the different languages men and women speak can shake the foundation of our lives. Understanding the other's ways of talking is a giant leap across the communication gap between women and men, and a giant step toward opening lines of communication." Which to me kind of says, I don't really know if things will ever be different, but by just understanding it should get better.
I found this book helpful and frustrating at the same time. While I understand now that that is how I feel and that how I feel is not wrong, I feel kind of hopeless that I will ever be able to cross this gap. I mean, is it too much to ask for people to meet me halfway? While now that I can see how my assumptions and observations about past conversations could be wrong, I'm scared that I cannot negotiate an even deal in my relationships. That I cannot make them work. As it says in the book, it hurts when friends go away. And my fear of losing friends is not just mine own, but a similar fear that most women have. It's scary to think that that fear may not be understood. In the end, it's a book about the conflicting needs for independence and intimacy, and how simply by talking they way we know how, we may be making things worse-for ourselves and for other loved ones. It's scary to think that we can break things, just by being."
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